Related essays:
INTRODUCTION
It was after finishing the articles on Reality Instability and More Struggle in the Beginning? that I uncovered an interesting attitude in my approach to the ascension process. The basic discovery was that I learnt that I myself was making it harder to progress, because I had the idea that confusion was something to be cherished.
CONFUSION AS A SIGN OF PROGRESS
In a few articles (see top of page) I have described phenomena that have appeared in my life which could be considered as signs of confusion or turmoil. In certain phases I was surprised to find out that there was a cloud of derealization around me, especially in contact with people. This would normally last only a few days in a mild form. I had interpreted this as a sign that some thought form was showing up that I needed to identify or transform. Through the occurrence of this state of confusion my body would be telling me that I was on the verge of a new discovery.
It is interesting to note the creativity of one's unconsciousness in this regard. Somehow I had developed the idea that confusion, or bad ascension days, were necessary for me to make progress. Although I was not aware of it I had developed the inclination to exaggerate this feeling: whenever there was a mild feeling of confusion I simply unconsciously inflated this sensation to impress myself. Instead of topping off this confusion I was glamorizing and extending it. The harder I struggle, the more impressive the ascension process.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
After I realized that I was idealizing confusion I decided to act against it. Whenever I sensed the emergence of such a sensation (which was often promted through a lack of sleep) I recognized the 'confusion glamorization'-tendency and I intended to no longer feed this approach. After tackling it in this fashion a couple of times the sensation ended and I was able to live in a normal and coherent way.
What I have learnt from all this is that we should always be aware of our tendency to create a reality that is pleasing us, without it necessarily being useful. It is very easy to fool yourself into a reality perspective which then becomes a reality for yourself. If you believe that you need periods of true confusion as stepping stones towards progress that's what you will create. If you believe that the ascension process is about fighting all kinds of manipulating forces than that is what you will experience. If you however believe that the ascension process is mostly a path of joy and interesting thought form transformations than you will create such a path.
Like I suggested in the reality instability article, I think the time has come to take responsibility for as many attitudes and thought forms that you decide to build your reality from. I would advise you to be creative in the reality you would like to experience, and don't embrace too many expectations of hardship for these expectations alone could make them sprout into existence.
NO NEED TO INFLATE ONESELF
Before ending this turtle I would like to talk about 'the need to inflate oneself'. When going through a process of ascension or self realization I have sometimes found myself in a position in which I don't need to worry about what other people may think of me. A while ago I have begun to write articles that deal with certain issues that I come across in the news or simply in my contacts with other people. I do this in Dutch (Waterput) and it feels wonderful to simply talk about all the things you don't know. To simply speak from a state of honesty without any need to pretend to be more than you are.
In such a mode of 'true honesty' which I can only sustain if I feel strong, I ask people to explain what they mean when they use a 'difficult' or unfamiliar word. When I'm not in this mode I prefer to guess what a word means because it would give the other person the idea that I am familiar with the concept.
I cherish these moments when I am can 'boast' with my ignorance on certain topics without any fear of looking dumb or stupid. My 'personality' would no longer be dependent on looking witty or clever.
I would like to develop this frame of mind which is devoid of any inner secrecy. I still have to work out the characteristics of such a mode of being but it is probably a state of congruence between what you think within and what you say without. It may look very simple, but I think this is quite difficult indeed.
Well, so much for now,
Gibbon
June 2007